Meta-reflection on the process of discerning our actual desires. In the form of two memos for Kate.
It began with reflection on discerning what I want with Zack--and discerning what I want with Zack turns out to have everything to do with discerning what I want want--not because Zack himself is the key to what I want, but because admitting to myself what I want from this very special relationship means admitting to myself everything about myself that enables me to have this kind of relationship, which means admitting to myself a whole cascade of things about my own ontology, the locus and reach of my own desires, my receptivity and interconnectedness and the mystery and playfulness and seriousness with which I daily do business.
That's a lot to admit. It's a lot to allow to be birthed, allow to be given space and voice. So I have struggled mightily with it. It's not really helpful that there are almost no useful or constructive myths about relating to our own desires.
In the final analysis, I wasn't able to do it alone. I needed the help of the cold water of Indian River, sunlight and trees along that river, and an important conversation with Lori. Most of that doesn't figure into these memos. These memos are an analysis of the ways I have struggled with--and finally been able to--find my own desire and say well hello there, there you are, I'm so glad we found each other.
